About a Bio

March 23rd, 2011

Today’s Big To-Do:

Finish Website! – Write website ‘about me’ section. All that’s left to do. Woohoo! Almost there. Got a cup of coffee, its mid-morning: Lets bang this bootch out by lunch, get some exercise and spend the afternoon doing something radical – Here we go!

How it Went:

Not well. I’m a writer. An embarrassed one:

Website ‘About Me’ Section. First Draft
(time to complete: 3 hours)

After careful consideration, Shaan has decided that it is inappropriate for professionals to write their Bio in the third person. Unless, of course, the professional in question is a wrestler named, ‘The Rock’. That is appropriate, Shaan supposes. Shaan is not a professional wrestler. He is a professional writer. Shaan recognizes that the words ‘wrestler’ and ‘writer’ are similar, and that non-native English speakers may get the two mixed up from time-to-time. And that this gives native English speakers, such as Shaan, good reason to chuckle. However, Shaan does not feel this is reason enough for him to write his Bio in the third person. You and Shaan might work together someday, and he fears this may give you the expectation that Shaan will always speak in the third person. Which is gross. Shaan thanks you for your understanding in this matter, and requests this not be any more awkward than he has already made it.

Website ‘About Me’ Section. Finished Draft
(time to complete: 3 hours)

www.shaankirpalani.com/about/

What I Learned Today:

The Bio: strangely placed action-verbs at the start of every sentence: orchestrated, executed, organized, coordinated, concepted, etc. Half-truths about work you can hardly remember at a job you did four years ago. Pressure to insert clever anecdote at end of Bio to illustrate ability to be clever. Conclusion: weirdspeak.

Hello, is this thing on?

March 22nd, 2011

I know, I know - I’ts been a while. But, I’ve been busy. No, that’s not bullshit. That is the truth: Three years since my last blog post, and I haven’t been able to find a single minute to write. I plan to change all that.

Starting Tomorrow.

Bloggin. Bladin.

November 20th, 2008

 Blogging is crap. So is rollerblading. 

I hate the internet.

Noel Gallagher on, everything:

October 14th, 2008

God, I love English people..

Excerpt from an interview with the Herald Sun:

NOEL GALLAGHER ON …

Amy Winehouse 
“She’s got an undeniably great voice but there’s plenty of great singers in the world. It astonishes me, fame seems to hit those kind of people hard. They kind of pull down the shutters and become drug addicts because they can’t deal with it. But it’s what they’ve been waiting for all their lives. 

This should be her time. She should be ruling the world but she’s a slave to the gear. F— her. There’s no point wasting words on people like that. They have no respect for themselves so why should people have respect for them?” 

The new James Bond theme
“We wrote a song, which will be on our next album now, that when I finished I thought ‘It sounds like a James Bond theme tune’. Not one of those ridiculous ballads, the actual theme tune. At the time they hadn’t decided who was going to sing the theme. So I sent it to Sony, the people who look after that kind of thing, and never heard anything back. And they got Alicia Keys to do it. I haven’t heard it but I’m sure it’ll be f—ing dreadful. Jack White’s bits will be amazing, because he is, but it’s an odd coupling.” 

Lars Ulrich using Noel as a role model to kick cocaine
“I f—ing love that guy. All these heavy metal characters you meet, like him and (Marilyn) Manson they are, with the best will in the world, ludicrous people. I like that Enter Sandman tune and Nothing Really Matters, but I don’t own any of the records. That doesn’t dilute what I think of them as fellas. I like a few of Manson’s tunes but it’s not my bag. Hip hop’s not my bag but I don’t deny its right to exist.” 

Coldplay 
“I like Coldplay. I’m not in a band full of Coldplay fans, there’s only me. I don’t speak about it with the other boys. I like Coldplay and U2, everyone in Oasis f—ing hates them. I think they’re a bit insecure Coldplay and U2 sell more records than we do. I loveViolet Hill. I like them, I won’t f—ing deny it. I struggle a bit with Coldplay. You play someone a song and go ‘listen man it sounds like the Beatles, it’s f—ng great’ and then the next one sounds like Annie Lennox, so it’s like ‘OK, well that one’s a bit sh–’. I like Chris Martin. I think he’s a really great songwriter. He fascinates me, he’s f—ing proper posh. I haven’t met his wife. I somehow don’t think I’d be her cup of tea. I’d like to meet her, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow for f—’s sake, but I guess she wouldn’t like my profanities. I have a habit of swearing a lot.” 

Kaiser Chiefs 
“There’s been a feud between us and them, but in the case of the Kaiser Chiefs the little fat singer, he started it. It’s not important what he said, and it’s a shame one has to get involved in this kind of thing but you can’t let these fat idiots get away with it.” 

Bloc Party 
“They’re a bunch of middle class kids trying to rebel about against mum and dad. They sit on top of an apex of sh–.” 

Keane 
“I feel sorry for Keane. No matter how hard they try they’ll always be squares. Even if one of them started injecting heroin into onto his (Noel uses potentially offensive euphemism for the male member) people would go ‘Yeah but your dad was a vicar, good night’. 

Turning 40 
“It doesn’t bother me. I’ve always felt older than I am. When I was 30 I felt 40. I feel f—ing 65 with three broken ribs. You’ll find people who rib you about their age are petrified about getting old. It doesn’t bother me. I guess because I’ve never traded on my good looks like Liam. 

To me it’s not about the haircut or jawline or belly. I’m known for my songs, I can do that at any age. If I’m being honest everyone would like to be 20 years younger but you’ve got to be comfortable with it. Liam’s been dying his hair for a while. And he wears make up. Seriously. I’ve seen him in eyeliner at parties, the Clockwork orange. And he knows about his moisturizer. I think he’s trying to head off old age but it’ll catch him.” 

all your dirty hippyness aside–san francisco, sometimes i really love you

July 23rd, 2008

From Neatorama  San Francisco contemplates renaming sewage treatment plant after BushWhere else but glorious San Francisco? A group of San Franciscan patriots has proposed a fitting tribute for our outgoing President:

Reagan has his highways. Lincoln has his memorial. Washington has the capital, and a state, too. But President George W. Bush may soon be the sole president to have a memorial named after him that you can contribute to from the bathroom.

 

From the Department of Damned-With-Faint-Praise, a group going by the regal-sounding name of the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco is planning to ask voters here to change the name of a prize-winning water-treatment plant on the shoreline to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.

The plan - hatched, naturally, in a bar - would place a vote on the November ballot to provide “an appropriate honor for a truly unique president.”